Wee Nikki Eff

For six, maybe even eight years now, I've had a mysterious internet phenomenon where people appear on my msn. Many of them don't even add me, although some do, but they talk none the less. They all want to know who I am, why I added them. When I explain that I didn't add them, things become confused. Sometimes I just let these opportunities die on the vine, but sometimes I don't. The final mystery is this: each in their own way, appear to have the mental capacity of a tomato and lettuce sandwhich.

Here is one such account.

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
hoos this ?

K says:
Kyle

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
snd

K says:
how did you get my email?

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
dont huva cloo, a dont add cunts a dont no

K says:
me neither
all those cunts

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
wit?

K says:
did I just appear on your msn? These seems like trickery
are you tricking me?

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
wit, naw am no!

K says:
well then what's happened here?
are you from some sort of chat site?

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
how th fuk am a menty kno
naw am fukin no, hoo yi getin cheeky wai

K says:
maybe it's fate then?
maybe we were fated to talk on msn

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
aye right watever

K says:
maybe it's god
do you believe in god?

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
aye ciz a wid believe in got yi kno

K says:
have you heard of the tower of babel?

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
wtf is that ?

K says:
it's a story in the bible
you see once upon a time we all spoke the same language, and there was a tower, and everyone hung out in the tower
it was pretty fun, ya know?
well, god wanted everyone to build the tower taller
"taller" he'd say. And so they built it taller
and taller
and taller
until finally it was really tall, tall enough most anyone would say
but god looked down and said "build it taller still" and everyone was like, "that's just silly"
so they didn't build it any taller
God, angry guy he was, knocked it down
and it was so tall that when it fell everyone fell out of it all over the world
and when they landed they all bumped their heads really hard

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
aye ok watever ya fukin creep

K says:
on account of the heights see
and when they woke up everyone spoke a different language.

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
ryt

K says:
this story came to my head talking to you
because you see, I don't understand nearly a word you type to me

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
snd

K says:
exactly\
it's like two different languages
but I guess the tower of babel explains all that

wee-nikki-eff@hotmail.com says:
snd m8, fuk off

K says:
ahmen

I urge any and all of you to add wee nikki to your instant messaging machines. She is charming.

Look Who's Talking Pitch

Dear M.C.E.G Virgin Home Entertainment

Hello, how are you? I hope this global recession has found you well. I myself have been making several cost cutting moves. Did you know for instance that for $2.25, half the price of a big carton of milk, you can buy a smaller carton of milk? I buy two every time, it just makes fiscal sense.

Let’s get down to the meat and potatoes though, shall we? I write to you today to talk about a very worthy addition to an unfortunately neglected powerhouse brand in your cinematic empire. Yes, I’m speaking of course about the Look Who’s Talkin’ dynasty. For over a month now I have kept my ear to the pulse of society and culture. The people are screaming for something to talk to them that can’t actually talk. And who can blame them? Maybe whatever talks next will talk softly and give them a break from all the screaming. No matter though, I will count myself a lucky deaf man to be on the ground floor of what I’m sure will become your sole focus for the coming sixteen months of frenzied production. Virgins, I give you Look Who’s Talkin’ Funny.

Look Who’s Talkin’ Funny will follow the original cast of the Look Who’s Talkin’ franchise. With my connections into Scientology I’ve already begun to line it up. Kirstie Alley was originally asking for payment in thirteen pounds of horseflesh a day but I got her down to eleven and a quarter. John Travolta’s in for constant eye contact. I’m willing to slaughter the horses but you’ll need to get one of your guys in for Travolta. The premise of the movie is that Alley and Travolta’s characters are moving to a new place on the south side of the Bronx. The twist? Their accent walls talk. I’ll give you a second with that one, let it wash over you. Not only do they talk, but Alley and Travolta can’t hear them and the walls each have a different accent. Accents for accent walls! I know, I know, how hasn't this already been done? It's a blockbuster piece. The movie will draw hilarious cross cultural truths into an introspective look at society. For example, the Asian wall will be very smart at math!

Let me give you a sneak peak of Look Who’s Talkin’ Funny.

Reginald

"I say there, good sport, wot wot and all that. However did you come to the Bronx?"

Min-Lo

"My chil-ren needa food. American wonder country."

Rocky

"IT’S THREE IN THE GAWD DAMN MORNING! SHUT YER MOUTHS."

Now I don’t want to rush anything, but let’s have you call me. We’ll talk sequels.

Halloween: A Cautionary Tale

It is an old story, but it bears repeating, if only so you might be spared.

It starts with a boy.


Or a girl.


Depending on where you're looking at it from.

What did they see in each other?



No one could say. Perhaps it was a recognition of some shared fundamental of character, like an utter lack of class.


























Or maybe it was all just sex.




It's unknowable really. Slowly though, they twisted each others minds. They couldn't help it.

Try as he might to hold on to his past,


it was no use. One can not steer the whirlwind.


Let us look now at our poor boy, what has become of him?

Gaudy and alone, unkempt and checkered. Are those glasses all for show, or do they hide a slight sadness in his eyes? His arms stretch wide, but don't confuse a magnanimous gesture with the desire for a hug. His Halloween's, they barely belong to him any more.







He is a shell for all to see. At least though, he will tell you, the sex has gotten better.


Be careful on Halloween kids. There is just no telling.

Trailer (park)

Coming soon: Rat Tails - The Exposé