Too Many Eggs

I’ve bought too many eggs.

I’m told, “write down your shopping list” and “you’re going to forget something when you go to the store”. So I’ve become paranoid. Committed as I am from managing my day to day life without a pocket full of notes on when to go to the bathroom, I overcompensate. I had to get ketchup, bagels, chilli powder and assorted chilli fix’ns. What I didn’t need was another carton of eggs to add to my all but full carton of eggs.

But we move forward.

What to do with an extra carton of eggs? The most obvious thing seems to be to throw them. From my 11th floor balcony I could certainly bring an unholy rain of never-to-be chickens on my neighbours roof – and yet I feel as though I’m past this, at a new stage of my development where the resounding crack of an egg and the joy of anonymous defacing won’t carry me the way it once did. My conscience, I suppose, has grown heavy and dense.

I could paint them. I’ve no idea when Easter is, and I refuse to check, but perhaps I could have some sort of early Easter party. Like when they have Christmas is February at Sleep-Country Canada and everyone gets a mattress for thirty-four dollars cheaper. Is it half way to Easter? Maybe I could have a Easter-and-a-half party. Like the half birthday you stopped keeping track of somewhere between the ages of eight and eleven.

Can I impregnate the eggs? I’ve got a very remote grasp of biology. When is it too late for that sort of thing? The hen lays an egg regardless of whether the rooster has impregnated her yes? So is it already up there and the rooster just sprays all over it and the shell absorbs? Which came first – the egg or the semen? I think raising chicks would probably remove a lot of the drift I feel, those parts of the day that I look back on in bed and think ‘what was the point of that?’ If I could get things moving inside those eggs then I could sit on them (I believe that is the next step) and productivity would soar. “Guess how many hours I put in with the eggs yesterday”, I’d ask people. “Eight”, “It isn’t so hard once you get into it”, “No, I’m sure you could do it to”, “Yes, it is very rewarding”, are the sort of things I’d say afterwards.

But I’ll probably just invite some people over, and eat them.