From time to time I enjoy reducing the complexity of humanity into more managable types. Here is just one.
Subject: The female first-year University resident
On any campus you may spot a ‘rez’ girl by her over-ripening breasts, their growth outpaced only by her swelling paunch. She is pregnant with her new freedom, and with the thick cafeteria food. She favours high belts and billowing shirts. She attempts to show only half her character. She embraces the newfound attention of men, (mostly boys), with her thighs.
She will grow out of it.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Some things to avoid while working in a coffee shop
There is a man who will come in often and sit close to the counter so that he can talk to you while you steam milk. He will introduce himself as a man of the world and a friend to all the workers in the café - a Regular. He will ask you strange questions like "do you know where the money is?" (It's in the banks and the government, he will tell you). Be forewarned, this man is running a pyramid scheme.
There is a couple who will come in late. Older, perhaps even technically old, yet provocatively dressed. He sports a thinning mohawk and blackblackblack everything. She wears hats with her hair down and her thong a hand's breath above her pants. He will order for her and they will sit and not talk - ever. Do not make eye contact with her. They are in a dominant/submissive relationship and if she recieves attention it will ruin his old boner. Do not make eye contact with him. He is a vampire and you have just ruined his boner.
On your fifth shift you will be ritually burned in eight litres of scalding coffee. The scars will last for the rest of your life, but the memories of their leering faces and the wretched pain will be repressed, eventually. So I am told. Avoid dwelling on this fact during your fourth shift. Distractions so early on in your career may cause you to give incorrect change.
Attempt to view your anti-semitic coworker's misplaced intolerance as an unfortunate result of their cultural upbringing in the context of a complex, emotionaly trying and ongoing harsh Middle Eastern reality. Avoid using it as another reason to dislike her for being so unforgiving of your intermediate French language skills.
Avoid growing old and starting a poorly disguised pyramid scheme. We've been warned against people like you. If you absolutely must, become a vampire. It at least will help with the burns. Above all please like the Jews.
There is a couple who will come in late. Older, perhaps even technically old, yet provocatively dressed. He sports a thinning mohawk and blackblackblack everything. She wears hats with her hair down and her thong a hand's breath above her pants. He will order for her and they will sit and not talk - ever. Do not make eye contact with her. They are in a dominant/submissive relationship and if she recieves attention it will ruin his old boner. Do not make eye contact with him. He is a vampire and you have just ruined his boner.
On your fifth shift you will be ritually burned in eight litres of scalding coffee. The scars will last for the rest of your life, but the memories of their leering faces and the wretched pain will be repressed, eventually. So I am told. Avoid dwelling on this fact during your fourth shift. Distractions so early on in your career may cause you to give incorrect change.
Attempt to view your anti-semitic coworker's misplaced intolerance as an unfortunate result of their cultural upbringing in the context of a complex, emotionaly trying and ongoing harsh Middle Eastern reality. Avoid using it as another reason to dislike her for being so unforgiving of your intermediate French language skills.
Avoid growing old and starting a poorly disguised pyramid scheme. We've been warned against people like you. If you absolutely must, become a vampire. It at least will help with the burns. Above all please like the Jews.
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